The Key to a Good Time is the God Damn Lime

Spring is upon us, and it is time to start thinking about your health.

 

 The Clog lacks pie related posts like an 18th century British sailor lacks sufficient vitamin C.  Without proper nutrients sailors could contract scurvy, a disease characterized by unexplained bleeding, loss of teeth, spots on the skin, and eventual death.  I am not sure if there is a Clog equivalent of scurvy caused by lack of pie, but if you feel like you may need more vitamin C in your diet limes are the answer!

 What better way to ward off disease than with a delightfully refreshing key lime pie.  Fret not if your garnishes fail live up to the picture, I've had years of practice. 

 Wash that slice of pie down with a margarita!  The alcohol contained in this drink also has medicinal and spiritual benefits.

There is one in Every Crowd

Whether it be taking Advil, brushing with Crest, or eating Shredded Wheat, for every ten doctors surveyed there is always one who is not willing to buy into the hype.  Let's face it, nine out ten isn't too shabby, and I usually assume the odd man out resembles professor Herbert West from Re-Animator.

  This is not exactly the type of physician I am about to take cereal advice from.  However, it does make you wonder what red flag shot up for that one doctor while all the others gave said product their professional stamp of approval.  To help make sense of this quandary I have compiled a list of perfectly logical reasons why this one doctor might not show his support for a product.  In this case study let us use Shredded Wheat.

-  The doctor caught his wife sleeping with a Post Cereal employee and refuses to support the company.

 -  The doctor is simply playing devil's advocate and loves to go against his peers.

-  The doctor is on a low carb diet and only eats steak and kale.

-  As a child the doctor was a promised a toy inside a box of Shredded Wheat, and was horrified to find no such toy once the cereal was finished.

-  This doctor was raised on Kellogg's and does not intend on changing.

-  The doctor has accepted a bribe from a rival cereal company.

This is all for now, but feel free to submit your own far fetched reasons to The Clog's writing staff.


   

Getting Shitty in Nevada City

 The air had a biting chill that February morning, as I stood beneath the looming Nevada City Courthouse monolith.  I was to appear in court that day not to plead my innocence, but to demand that the late fees on my ticket be expunged.  I planned on using big fancy words like "expunge" to impress the judge.  

I surveyed other miscreants occupying the courthouse steps, curiously reading over the details of their offenses with puzzled faces and worried looks, and realized that two types of people exist in this world.  Those who prepare, and those who procrastinate.  Typically I would find myself in the later category, frantically cramming information into my skull like a bank robber stuffing a pillow case full of money.  Today my argument was carefully planned out with proper documentation from reliable sources all tightly enclosed in a manila folder.  Wearing my nicest collared shirt, I felt almost eager to stand in front of the judge, like one of those assholes in high school who wears a suit to give a presentation.  Needless to say my demands were met in full, and from that moment forward I would dedicate my life to becoming a lawyer... 

In like a Lion, out like a Lamb

An old saying claims that March is born a fierce lion bringing stormy weather, but eventually retires into lamb form with bright skies and friendly temperatures.  The lion/lamb transformation analogy also applies to the partying that takes place during this volatile month.  An onslaught of merriment consumes the first portion of the March like a stout soaked tsunami and then tappers off as April approaches.  March is like a snowball of debauchery tumbling down a mountain, growing larger every year with each new friend's birthday it absorbs along the way.  The first wave of birthdays is about to hit our unsuspecting shore like a god damn monsoon, with gale force winds sure to leave you without wallet or shirt.  Consider yourselves in the lion's den.    

Chemical Trails and Puppydog Tails,

and everything nice comes at a price.

 

The individual in this picture is Stan Garber, poet lauriete of Los Gatos.  This honor, one I thought existed only during the time of Shakespeare and Frodo Baggins, was bestowed upon him after more than six years of failed attempts.  The question I pose to you all is whether it shows stronger character to take defeat in stride and keep pressing forward, or to graciously accept a prestigious award and not fall victim to hubris.  Ponder if you will this question, knowing all the while that Stan did both.

Egg Clog Nog

I holidays are clearly over.  This fact, while it may be agonizing for some to stomach, is indisputable, even though some hapless fools keep their wreathes hung and cling tight to them like a life preserver in shark infested waters.  These people are either lazy (my excuse) or hopelessly delusional.  But just because your Christmas tree has been rotting in the gutter for weeks does not mean you have to stop consuming all the delicious food and drink of the holidays.  Gluttony owns no calendar.  
I present to you a step by step guide to concocting you very own little glass of eggnog!

                                           

You are going to need about 1 oz. of heavy cream.

Grab yourself 1/2 oz. of simple syrup.

Pour those into a shaker and dry shake (meaning without ice) for a couple minutes.  This is basically whipping the heavy cream, like you used to attempt to do with half and half packets in Denny's.

Separate an egg yolk (not sure why I have two pictured) and throw that into the mix.  Throw out that stupid leftover egg white.

You had better believe there is booze involved.  Toss in 1 1/2 oz. of either rum, brandy, or bourbon.  You can always use more if you desire, because it's your liver not mine.  

Grate a pinch some fresh (must be fresh) nutmeg in there,

and also a little cinnamon.  Do one last dry shake to mix up that wonderful yolk and rum, and then add  ice to the shaker and perform the final shake!

Strain all of this into your preferred drinking vessel.  Some use a martini glass but I like these little punch bowl glasses with tiny handles.  And finally, never forget to grate some more nutmeg over the top. Cheers!

Lessons in Religion

"Be not fearful of my presence mortal, for I bring with me only mirthful tidings," said the Archangel Dagmar.  And so Jebediah cast aside his fear and approached the towering celestial figure.  The silence of the night hung heavy as a wreath around the two of them.  "Am I wrong, during this most joyous time of year, to revel in the Dionysian pursuits of the mortal world," inquired Jebediah.  "What knowledge have you of the pleasures awaiting you in the next life, or if such a life even exists," responded Dagmar.  Jebediah pondered the Archangel's words for a moment, and then with great jubilation answered, "I suppose there is no certainty in a life after this one.  Perhaps I should feel no guilt indulging in all the glorious delights this Christmas has to offer!"  "Yolo," responded Dagmar, "Yolo."          

Humping an imperial walker is acceptable.

Bring all your friends together!

Los Gatos in full splender.

Pour your own beer on your birthday.

Make a steak face.

And never forget the ham.