Coasting Through Life

 

"Ouch, that hurt, you inconsiderate asshole.  Try setting your glass down a little softer next time."
If these words sound familiar you should probably seek therapy, because they are those of your bar coaster.  That's right, the thin little piece of cardboard that works thanklessly to keep your drinking surface untarnished.  These faithful servants of the imbibing world are routinely soaked in beer, ripped to shreds by the sexually frustrated, and tossed into the waste can without so much as a thank you.  The work of a bar coaster makes being an experimental drug test subject seem enjoyable. 
That is why I have proclaimed September 23rd bar coaster appreciation day.  On this day I encourage everyone, regardless of intoxication level, to take a moment during your overindulging to praise the coaster that rests under your glass.  Give it a high five, tip your hat, or perhaps do as we Calderwoods do, and bring it home with you as a keepsake.  Just do not use your coaster as a frisbee on this most sacred of days.  Save that for tomorrow.
Side note,
Tegestology is the term used for the collecting of bar coasters, which apparently makes me a tegestologist.  I learn something new everyday.

Sensible Yoga Alternatives

"Why can't I be this flexible when I'm sober," asked Austin while stretching at the bar during one of our wiener Wednesday sessions.  His statement got the gears within my pea sized brain turning.
The average male lacks both the body contorting ability and monk like attention span needed to survive a full yoga class.  It just is not part of our genetic makeup.  But what if there was some way to loosen those muscles and relax the mind, making that downward facing dog pose not such an uncomfortable chore.  Here at The Clog we feel the solution to this problem, and most other day to day issues, is beer.  And thus drunken yoga was born.  Classes will begin August first at our Los Gatos studio.  The bring your own beer policy will be enforced, along with limitations on hard alcohol consumption.

        
In addition to helping students loosen up mentally and physically, booze may also contribute to casual hookups between males and females within the class.  We have all been enamored of that limber goddess at the other end of the yoga studio.  The one you'd love so badly to ask out for a beer, or even settle for a wheat grass shot, just to have the chance to sit down and chat with her.  But after she rolls up her mat and lets down her hair, you simply watch as her perfectly toned yoga buttocks struts off into the distance.  Well friends, those days are over.  Drunk yoga is about to change both the fitness and dating world forever.  Just make sure you do not throw up mid child's pose.

Back to the Soil

My friend is dying right across the room from me.  He won't eat, he wont drink and death is peering in through the door of the room we both share.  He rejects the water I pour for him and the crickets I feed him.  Insects that have sustained him through over two decades either wither away and die at his shaking feet, or keep me up during the night with their relentless chirping.  They are a constant reminder of the thousands of crickets I have sacrificed so that may dear lizard Mookie may eat.  I either hunt them down and kill them so that I myself may sleep undisturbed, or remain deprived of rest in hopes my reptilian friend can have one last meal.  Payback is a real mother fucker.

Shown above is Mookie's final resting place.  He is buried next to the grave of his female companion, Mocha, who died many years earlier.  

A Completely Legitimate Scientific Study

 

It is best to have Jurassic Park theme music playing whilst reading this Clog post.  Whether you prefer  "Helicopter Majestically Circling Tropical Landing Pad" or "Dr. Malcolm Staring in Disbelief at a Real Living Breathing Dinosaur, makes no difference as long as the mood is properly set.  Now we may proceed with addressing one of the most notoriously aggravating conundrums to plague the scientific world.  Hours upon hours of laborious effort has been expended to solve the mystery of which came first, the bush or the tree.  Leading scientists in the field of shrubbery have spent many a sleepless night analyzing fossilized root, bone and semen samples, but to no avail.  Due to cut backs on government spending, 2016 is the year that almost saw the bush tree study put to an end.  That is, until German scientist Otto Van Clogstein, after taking several hits of acid, discovered a cave painting dating back to 420 B.C. that reveled the answer.

The bush existed on the earth long before the tree, and only evolved into its taller form to better feed long necked herbivores.  Do not attempt to fact check any of this with Wikipedia, just take my word for it.          

A Tale of Three Wieners

A little over a year has passed since my beloved Tommy's left me, and I am still in mourning.  While I am convinced nothing will ever replace her Taco Tuesdays I held so dear, in no way does it mean I have completely given up all hope on bar food themed days.  Attending Wiener Wednesdays at The Bears for me is like getting back out in the dating scene after a horrific break up.

I must admit that once again throwing myself into the bar food game has gone much smoother than expected.  With a big steaming crock pot full wieners and a vast array of condiments to slather on them how can you go wrong!?  I have also come to the shocking realization the you can learn just about everything there is to know about a person by what condiments they adorn their hotdog with.  I have devised a game to see if you the reader can match the hot dog to the human.  Hot dogs will have numbers, the humans will have letters, and the answers will be at the bottom.  Good luck!

1.  Tons of wasabi mustard, onions, and relish.

2.  Couldn't be more boring.

   

3.  Hot dog is pretty much just a whiskey chaser.

A.  Nugget 

B.  Shawn

C.  CalderClog

1-C, 2-A, 3-B

Check back soon for three more contestants. 

 

The Key to a Good Time is the God Damn Lime

Spring is upon us, and it is time to start thinking about your health.

 

 The Clog lacks pie related posts like an 18th century British sailor lacks sufficient vitamin C.  Without proper nutrients sailors could contract scurvy, a disease characterized by unexplained bleeding, loss of teeth, spots on the skin, and eventual death.  I am not sure if there is a Clog equivalent of scurvy caused by lack of pie, but if you feel like you may need more vitamin C in your diet limes are the answer!

 What better way to ward off disease than with a delightfully refreshing key lime pie.  Fret not if your garnishes fail live up to the picture, I've had years of practice. 

 Wash that slice of pie down with a margarita!  The alcohol contained in this drink also has medicinal and spiritual benefits.

There is one in Every Crowd

Whether it be taking Advil, brushing with Crest, or eating Shredded Wheat, for every ten doctors surveyed there is always one who is not willing to buy into the hype.  Let's face it, nine out ten isn't too shabby, and I usually assume the odd man out resembles professor Herbert West from Re-Animator.

  This is not exactly the type of physician I am about to take cereal advice from.  However, it does make you wonder what red flag shot up for that one doctor while all the others gave said product their professional stamp of approval.  To help make sense of this quandary I have compiled a list of perfectly logical reasons why this one doctor might not show his support for a product.  In this case study let us use Shredded Wheat.

-  The doctor caught his wife sleeping with a Post Cereal employee and refuses to support the company.

 -  The doctor is simply playing devil's advocate and loves to go against his peers.

-  The doctor is on a low carb diet and only eats steak and kale.

-  As a child the doctor was a promised a toy inside a box of Shredded Wheat, and was horrified to find no such toy once the cereal was finished.

-  This doctor was raised on Kellogg's and does not intend on changing.

-  The doctor has accepted a bribe from a rival cereal company.

This is all for now, but feel free to submit your own far fetched reasons to The Clog's writing staff.